Harold Jaffe: An Excerpt from Induced Coma



The owner of a spider had no idea his pet was the problem when
he came to an eye clinic for treatment.
When the doctor told him she saw tiny hairs sticking out of his
eyeball he remembered cleaning the terrarium of his Chilean
Rose tarantula.
While his attention was briefly focused elsewhere, he sensed movement
in the terrarium.
The tarantula had released a mist of hairs which brushed his eyes
and face.
The hairs have multiple barbs encouraging them to migrate through
the eye tissue to various depths.

Doctors advise anyone working with tarantulas to wear eye protection.



Black Widow

refers to the assumption that female freedom fighters—Putin’s
Russia calls them terrorists—are Muslim suicide bombers bent
on avenging relatives murdered in Russia’s ongoing assault against
Islamic separatists in the Caucasus region.

One of the Black Widows’ earliest interventions in non-Muslim
Russia, was the 2002 mass hostage-taking at a Moscow theater by
41 Chechen separatists—23 were women.
Russian forces struck, pumped narcotic gas into the theater,
killing all the attackers as well as 218 hostages.
Police footage showed Black Widows dead in the theater seats
with explosives attached to their bodies.

The footage was later exposed as manipulated.




Julia queefed while I was doing her with my tongue & it startled
the shit out of me.
I dove back in.
I soon learned that queefs were Julia’s body’s way of broadcasting
how much she loved me.
Correction: Broadcasting how much she loved how I was loving her.



I hope to fuck I never become allergic to neoprene cuz I wear a
neoprene cockring & nut stretchers almost everyday.
The feeling you have around your cock and nutz is so natural.
I have different sizes for day wear & fucking.
Too bad they don’t sell the extra wide version anymore—here’s
the true pig coming out in me: I fucking love the smell after a few
nights of fucking with that wide puppy.

Oh yeah, I’m a college student & wear it to class.
I sit through 3 hours of boring lectures & not once does it pinch.



Indeed, the G-spot corresponds to the upper palate; I’m gratified
that has finally been revealed. So too does the left eyeball correspond
to the anus; even as the middle knuckle on the left hand corresponds
to the lingam. Blowing your nose has a secret affinity with orgasm,
male and female; and if you undergo a rhinoplasty, which has become
fashionable in our global village, your orgasm potential will
gradually alter until aligned with your new nose. If you belch more
than twice before sex be prepared to queef during sex.

Truly, Homo sapiens is a marvel of symmetry.



Hitler Fart

To combat his chronic flatulence, Hitler ingested massive amounts
of a drug containing the rat poison strychnine.
His physicians worried that he was poisoning himself by degree.
Nor did the drug alleviate his gas.
It turns out now that eBay is auctioning an “authentic Hitler fart”
reportedly bottled and sealed by a Hauptsturmführer insider and
secret Hitler adversary.
It is speculated that the Hauptsturmführer sold other Hitler farts
at the time to finance his opium habit.
But at least one has been preserved all these years in a Berlin cellar.
Prices on eBay commence at a million-and-a-half euros.



Mafia Croc

Italian police have seized a crocodile they believe was used by a
mafia boss to terrorize shop-owners into paying protection money.

The crocodile, 6 feet long and 93 pounds, was found during a
search of the man’s home in the southern town of Caserta, where
the Camorra branch of the Naples mafia is active.
The croc was kept on the terrace and fed live rats and rabbits
in full view of neighboring homes.
The mafia suspect, name withheld, was charged with illegal
animal possession.

The crocodile, named Berlu, has been sent to a reptile rehabilitation
center in Sardinia.



Pig Spleen

A Nebraska farmer peers at pig spleens and forecasts the weather.

Pig spleen widening means early winter;
narrowing means early spring;
if the spleen is fairly uniform it means weather as usual.

“I’m 90 percent accurate,” the farmer claims, “which is a damn sight
better than your TV ‘meteorologists’.”



Snake Does Golf

A python was saved by surgery after mistaking golf balls for
chicken eggs.
A farming couple had placed four golf balls in their chicken coup
to encourage their hen to nest. The eggs disappeared and so did
the balls.
Nearby, the couple found a lumpy-looking diamond python.
They transported the 32-inch non-venomous snake to the nearby
wildlife sanctuary, where a senior veterinarian operated to remove
the balls from the snake’s intestine.

Those golf balls weren’t moving any further, the vet said.
They were stuck.
The python would have died for sure.
Now he’s out of danger.




Stockholm culls thousands of rabbits annually to protect the capital’s
parks and green sectors.

The rabbits are mainly the offspring of pets released by owners.
Since they have no natural predators the city administration of
Stockholm employs hunters to kill them.
The killed rabbits are frozen and a contractor removes them to a
processing plant.
There the raw animal matter is crushed, ground, pumped to a boiler
where it is burned together with wood chips, peat or waste to produce
renewable heat.

So far the only negative reaction to the rabbits-for-biofuel cull has
come from the PETA folks.




A medical student got some unexpected practical experience at
the zoo when she gave the kiss of life to a Bengal tiger cub gagging
on a chunk of meat.

She was passing the enclosure when she noticed the 4-month-old
creature choking and offered to assist the helpless keeper.

“The tiger tried to eat a chunk of meat that was too big and started
choking and trembling and then fell over,” the student told Liveat-
6 TV News.

“I got the meat out but he wasn’t breathing so I did mouth-tomouth.
After about 5 minutes he came to, thank God.”


Read Harold Jaffe’s interview about Induced Coma